How to take a loved one with dementia out in public

(Aging Untold) — Going out for lunch, running errands or visiting family are simple pleasures that matter deeply as we age. But when a loved one is living with dementia or cognitive decline, even a routine outing can feel unpredictable.

That fear alone can be enough to keep everyone home, but it doesn’t have to be that way.

Let go of what other people think

The first shift caregivers need to make is an internal one: stop worrying about public perception.

“We always get so worried about what someone else is going to think. Their discomfort should not be yours,” said Sam Cradduck, a gerontologist. “Your issue is to make sure that your person is safe, your person feels comfortable, your person feels connected.”

Cradduck said that if a loved one says something unexpected to a server or a store clerk, that’s not the caregiver’s burden to carry.

“That’s OK. That’s on that person to handle that,” she said.

For caregivers who do feel self-conscious, the Alzheimer’s Association offers dementia awareness cards — small cards that explain a loved one’s condition to strangers.

Amy O’Rourke, an aging expert, said they can help take the pressure off in the moment.

Check your own emotional state first

Before heading out, O’Rourke encourages caregivers to honestly assess how they’re feeling.

“Are you in a place of patience to go out with them?” she said. “Maybe you’re not, and it’s OK to not go until you’re in better shape.”

O’Rourke also pushes back on the idea that outings need to be varied or stimulating to be worthwhile. She recalled a client who fed squirrels at a church and visited a discount store — every day.

“The family said, ‘We should do something different and mix it up,’ ” O’Rourke said. “And I’m like, if she’s happy, you’re happy.”

Plan for a slower pace — and a shorter day

Dr. Rhea Rogers, a board-certified physician, said caregivers need to build in extra time and set realistic expectations for how long an outing can last.

“You can’t do it in the same speed that you used to. You’ll get overwhelmed,” Rogers said.

Cradduck cautioned that you can’t go out all day.

“They’re going to get tired. The brain gets tired. It gets worn out,” Cradduck said.

She also noted that people with dementia may not be able to read a menu or remember what they ordered — and that’s OK. The goal is connection and enjoyment, not perfection.

Learn to roll with the unexpected

Strangers don’t always respond well, and sometimes they say things that can be upsetting.

Katherine Ambrose, an aging-well coach, said caregivers should anticipate that and build skills to navigate it.

“You’ve got to have some skill that you can learn from dementia care educators,” she said. “There’s videos you can watch to kind of teach you how to roll with the flow a little bit.”

Cradduck challenged the broader cultural expectation that people with dementia should behave in predictable ways.

Cradduck said the cards that say a loved one has dementia are OK, but “how dare us be so judgmental about other people’s behavior that we have to hand out a card.”

“I didn’t have to hand out cards with my toddlers and explain that they’re children and they may not act the way you expect them to,” Cradduck said. “Why are we in such a judgmental society that we look at somebody and we expect them to behave a certain way?”

Caregiver outing tips

• Don’t worry about public perception
• Consider carrying “I have dementia” cards when you go out
• Make sure you are emotionally ready for an outing
• Plan trips your loved one will enjoy
• Give yourself extra time to plan the outing